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Inglis pitinglis - Taller de inglés para Umbrianos

Feedback of Task nr 6 (Christmas)

Cargando editor
08/12/2016, 23:48
Faris

"Good Old Wenceslas" is a reference to another Christmas Carol, "Good King Wenceslas",  based on a supposedly historical episode that happened to Saint Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel

"Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling
Yonder peasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?"
"Sire, he lives a good league hence
Underneath the mountain
Right against the forest fence
By Saint Agnes' fountain."

"Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Bring me pine logs hither
Thou and I will see him dine
When we bear him thither."
Page and monarch forth they went
Forth they went together
Through the rude wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather

"Sire, the night is darker now
And the wind blows stronger
Fails my heart, I know not how,
I can go no longer."
"Mark my footsteps, my good page
Tread thou in them boldly
Thou shalt find the winter's rage
Freeze thy blood less coldly."

In his master's steps he trod
Where the snow lay dinted
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed
Therefore, Christian men, be sure
Wealth or rank possessing
Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing 
 

Notas de juego

Cool story, Leonid :)

Cargando editor
14/12/2016, 20:18
Tingwe

@Leonid: hard to believe, I just finished writing my comments about the story and hit backspace by mistake, and it's gone. So I try to remember what I had written, but it's a bit frustrating when that happens. First, it was a great read and brilliant writing. Looks like you were really inspired there, and I kept hanging on to each word I read. It's witty and gritty, and dynamic and well-structured. There are a few occasions where you got the gender mixed up ("he/she, his/her, boy raises her face"). Maybe you originally had the children the other way round, or only of them. That, plus a few random typos gives the impression you sat down and wrote this piece in one go, which is even more awe-inspiring IMHO. A bit of proofreading and you could use it for something ... I don't know. A competition or as an introduction to a role-playing game, or a cool short story. Something.

Ah, there is this one phrase I don't get:

each revel bigger, more luxurious and decadent

I've never seen "revel" used this way. It can be used as a verb (or a phrasal verb), and in plural form. I think it is "revelry" instead of "revel". But I admit I'm a bit over my league here so don't throw rocks at me or send Krampus, please :)

Cargando editor
14/12/2016, 20:44
Tingwe

@Faris: nice going, I like the dialogue and there is some humor and the story moves ahead with pace. It's not too long, I think you got the word count thing spot on (unlike Leonid did). There are only a few minor typos (EartHly and youR loved ones), but other than a perfect Christmas story with a twist. Thank you for writing and sharing it :)

Cargando editor
15/12/2016, 01:16
Leonid

First, it was a great read and brilliant writing. Looks like you were really inspired there, and I kept hanging on to each word I read. It's witty and gritty, and dynamic and well-structured.

Really glad you guys liked it :)

here are a few occasions where you got the gender mixed up ("he/she, his/her, boy raises her face"). 

True, and that's a good example of thing I could really profit from this workshop. For some reason I don't quite know, I do that "genderswap" a lot with possessive pronouns. It's fairly curious because I rarely misplace "he" and "she", but with "his" and "her" I need to be really careful, or I'll find them attached somewhere they don't belong.

That, plus a few random typos gives the impression you sat down and wrote this piece in one go, which is even more awe-inspiring IMHO. A bit of proofreading and you could use it for something ... I don't know. A competition or as an introduction to a role-playing game, or a cool short story. Something.

Yup, it was indeed written in a single go, and knowing it, I can sense in the rhythm and narration the "seams" where an idea originally unplanned came in. That's why it is a bit haphazard and less polished than other things I do. And I keep thinking about it. There's so much about The Bishop that I left open to give an aura of mystery and power, and which could make cool stories off their own.

I've never seen "revel" used this way. It can be used as a verb (or a phrasal verb), and in plural form. I think it is "revelry" instead of "revel". But I admit I'm a bit over my league here so don't throw rocks at me or send Krampus, please :)

Merriam-Webster cites it in the singular (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/revel), but it might well be that's it archaic or uncommon now . Probably is, when I try to write in grandiose style I usually end up using archaic or latin-inspired words that, as I've been told by natives, not even that many English people outside the academic world know. Sounds cool, but it's actually kinda inconvenient.

 

Cargando editor
15/12/2016, 07:58
Tingwe

Merriam-Webster cites it in the singular (...)

when I try to write in grandiose style I usually end up using archaic or latin-inspired words that, as I've been told by natives, not even that many English people outside the academic world know. Sounds cool, but it's actually kinda inconvenient.

Yep, it is a question of balance. Trying it to make sound grandiose and old-fashioned but at the same time not too obscure.