Partida Rol por web

So, if I'm understanding this well, we should avoid entering in the page of the task except to reclaim our turn and we should ignore any warning of "nuevos mensajes en las partidas como jugador"  from that page until we are ready to write our story to avoid "spoiling" ourselves with the previous stories. Is that right?

I have copied the instructions of the task under here, so people can consult it without opening the other page.

Do anybody know how to write spoilers in Comunidad Umbría? It would be easier that way, but I'm useless with that kind of things

Ah, no, I didn´t mean to say it was forbidden to read the previous posts! You can read and comment etc... But when writing the continuation of the story, you should only focus on the text immediately before yours, not the whole story. If you wish, you can read it all and try to continue to make the story more consistent, but that would make it harder and harder for those writing later in the task. So that´s the reason for the rule "only continue the last paragraph".

But it´s not necessary to hide the story as a whole. I think the goal of the exercise is not to create a well structured and logical story, it´s more to do with letting the writing flow from the lead someone else has written.

Aaah, OK :P Yes, that would be easier XD

I wrote the first turn, I hope nobody had anything prepared already.

If it is a tad sad, It's because I was listening to this when I was writing XD

Ok, I'm in this mood lately...

So it might become kinda brighter... I hope... I think... I guess.. we'll see...

Faris:

Impeccable as always, except for one small mistake:

But she didn’t, and foolish as she knew it was, she keep kept waiting and hoping

Verb time concordance, with "didn't" you already framed the paragraph in the past, so you should keep using the past. I'm fairly sure you know it already and it was a lapsus calami, though. The rest is fine, as far as I can see.

Saecel:

Without a word, she jumped to his arms and kissed him. A tear of happiness run ran freely through her pale cheek.

Same as above, verbal time concordance.

The rest seems to be fine as far as I can tell

Well, what can I say about Leonid's task? It's perfect, and I enjoyed a lot :DDD You write very well, and it was awesome :DDDD 

I couldn't find any mistake or something. Really, I learn a lot in this place :DDDD I love it :DDD 

Thank you for your time, guys, we really appreciate it :D

"Be ready, please" she thought inside to herself 

Several things, here. The main one is: bad Mooneyes.

Bad, bad Mooneyes.

From then on (the part between quotations is a sentence and needs a verb), stem the rest. It is a thought, which is a discourse, of sorts. A dialogue with the lover, even if it´s not voiced out loud. Sentences belonging to dialogs are preceded by quotation marks or em dashes, as we saw in the last exercise.

Second thing: "She thought inside herself". Generally, by definition, you can only think inside your head, unless you're Charles Xavier, so that´s implicit. Second, you can't really control the position or direction of your thoughts, so you can think about things or of things or people (I´ve thought of a way to implement boards for Umbria Natilla... ahahahaha. No)

You can think while you are in (or inside, or outside...) a space ("Think outside the box"), but in this case, it would mean that the subject (She) was thinking while she was physically inside of herself, which is not really possible.

Unless...

AHEM! Back to work.

the all entire plan took a lot of time (or "all of the plan took a lot of time")

"all" doesn´t work as an adjective by itself. "all" means "an entirety of something", and you should clarify to what entirety if refers to. This establishes a relation between both words, and thus usually needs a preposition or other connector: all of the cake, all my money, all the single ladies...  _{woh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh...}

"entire" or "whole" works better for this purpose, since it can latch to a name without intermediaries (the entire team, the whole First World...)

She knew it, and she hoped all would finish fine end well.

You finish something when you actively put an end to it through your actions, such as finishing a job or assignment. Things end if they reach the end of their natural course by their means (the night ended in a riot). In the cases where fate, luck or other external factors might influence the way and moment in which something finishes, you´ll use "end".

"Fine" usually means "well", but barely so. Especially for British people, if they say something is "fine", they usually means it's barely passable. If you are talking about "fine" as an adjective plus a name (a fine meat, fine quality goods...), that´s different. But "fine" alone is not an overtly positive word. "well" will do better here.

The silence is comfortable, not knowing is wonderful sometimes.

A definite article defines what it goes with, meaning, it gives it a relevance and a place. If you say "the silence", you imply you are referring to a specific silence ("The silence that fell over the church after the bishop´s words was almost as thick as the walls..."). If you mean silence in general, you don't need the article.

As for the second part, there is actually an English idiom that means exactly that: "ignorance is bliss".

She was nervous, and looked at him, only to check if he was felt like her.

If he was like someone else, it would mean that he had the same physical characteristics, psychological background, belong to the same species... than her, or that he physically or mentally resembled her in any way. This does not apply in thoughts, since one can have a same thought or feeling without being similar in the slightest.

Besides, if he was like her, then "he" would be a "she" and the love story would not go well, unless...

LET'S NOT DWELL HERE!

She wished for his strength and courage

You either wish for something to happen (I wish for a world without people that put pineapple in their pizzas) or you wish for a hypothethical situation where someone would do something (I wish Zack Snyder would stop thinking he can make good superhero movies). Or you can wish something into existence (as the result of a wish, when the word is used as a name). In this case she hasn´t really wished anything- he was strong and courageous already, so what he really wish is for his strength and courage (to be hers as well).

She looked at him one more time. Was she in love? Did she love him? She didn’t know. Maybe she didn’t want to know it. 

You don't need the object here, it´s already been stated and in the previous sentence, "She didn´t know", you didn´t use it.

Everything was better. She had Having a life worth it living.

Bad Mooneyes

Bad, bad, bad Mooneyes.

("Having" does not count as verb because gerunds are impersonal forms, and as such, they are not verbs but substantives.)

When you use "worth" as an adjective of sorts (something that is worthwhile), then you put the object of said worth in a gerund, right after worth. E.g:

 (or a film worth seeing, or a place worth going to, or...)

 But she forced herself to not have any distractions

You said "any", which is an uncountable plural. Which means you can´t have "a distraction" (singular), but rather "any distractions" (plural)

"Please, let’s go” she said, sitting up down

I think you just defied the Newtonian laws of physics there. You can do sit-ups (going into sitting position to stand up, called that way because the actual movement involves going UP from a sitting position). But you can't really sit up. The motion of sitting itself involves lowering yourself.

Except if you´re Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can sit up. He can also touch MC Hammer.

My God O.O Not bad... VERY BAD DDD: Today is not my day. Horrible, horrible U.U So depressing... T_T 

Thank a lot, Leonid. Thank you for your feedback. I hope to do it better the next time >.< 

An interesting story this one which is unfolding! Let´s see where it takes us.

Next week, those who have already posted may do another part.

By the way, I´m a huge fan of your feedback and revisions Leonid. They make my day, honest.

Next week, those who have already posted may do another part.

I´m a huge fan of your feedback and revisions Leonid

Agreed.

My but crack becomes a little wider every time I go through one of his thorough revisions. Which is a polite way to say I LMAO every time he puts his mordant mind to work. Very nicely done, my good gentleman.

Very nicely done all of you as well, fellas.

I followed the instructions. I only read Tingwe post... But I have no idea if it has sense! Really, when I was writing, I sounded absurd to me :/

This is the most difficult task of all...

Melpo:

I only read Tingwe's post

Who's post? Tingwe's post

But I have no idea if it has makes sense

Sense is made in English. It does not belong, as a possession, to the subject. I'd say is a good thing, since thus it's assumed it doesn't exist by itself or belong to anyone, but it is required to be explained and compiled upon facts and truths.

I sounded absurd to me myself

To whom did you sound absurd? To yourself. Here the "absurdity" needs a possessive pronoun.

took their our suitcase [...] took our toothbrush

I believe the suitcase is theirs and not from some else. Thus, I would recommend to be consistent with the first person narration employed afterwards.

she bit her lip but she didn't turn, just as if she couldn't do it.

It sounds somehow strange... I would have said: she bit her lip but couldn't turn, as if she wasn't able/capable to.

It's ok

I guess it was a typo.

I began to drive without a no destination

or

I began to drive without knowing the destination

Destination is a tricky word since it is employed as either noun or adjective. I'm no expert but in this case I believe it refers to "a place you want to be" (noun), not as "the attribute of a place you are or want to be" (adjective), so there is no destination you are going (or you don't know it).

We were just running away.

Unless they were running within or on top of the car (which hey, could be, right? XD ) the appropriate phrasal verb should be employed :)

Pssst, saecel

Who's post? Tingwe's post

Probably a typo but you have said "Who is post? Tingwe is post" (It sounds the same, and it's a common mistake, even for native speakers)

And I don't know if Tingwe is or not post, but I know that he has a post. Whose post? Tingwe's post.

And this is a good occasion to talk about who and whose. And maybe even whom.

Tingwe's not post?!?!?!?

What's real, what isn't, how can I tell anymore...

saecel:

Who's Whose post?

Time for ROUND 2 of the story. So those who already wrote in the "introduction" part may now write again, and any new participant is also welcome to do so.

​This would now be the "body" of our Corpse ... I mean of our story. Let's see where it takes us.

​

Saecel, thank you for the revisions :) I really appreciate that you waste your time doing it.

I'm sorry for the mistakes but I'm here to learn, so all of you* have to endure all that blood in your eyes :P
(Anyone knows if the expression is the same in English?)

No need to apologize for the mistakes, we are all here to learn. I've always considered you learn more when you make errors and someone points them out to you. Otherwise you would just repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

blood in your eyes

Not sure about this one. The expression "Bad grammar makes my eyes bleed" does sound familiar. Also sometimes instead of bleeding, the eyes burn. But either way, the concept is the same.

I really appreciate that you waste spend your time doing it.

Never say "I'm wasting my time" unless you are angry and/or want to be mean about it. Is quite a grumpy and strong expression :)

And as Tingwe just pointed out, I don't think learning and sharing is wasting anyone's time ;)

Because if you do, then you also could say that Comunidad Umbria is a waste of time... and we all know it is NOT. Where else could we do everyday that what is best in life?

I was referring to everybody [...] That's the reason why I introduced "all of" (but I don't like how it sounds :/ )

I employ the "all of you" expression everyday at work when addressing the rest of the people in a meeting, so it does sound pretty well to me ^^

@CaptainVari

​I'm not sure if you understood the exercise. You should continue the story from where the previous participant left it. And then the next person continues your writing. But it is all part of the same story.

I'll copy the text here:

Even thought is a extrange friend, he always say the naked true...I can no think better option to choose a target in this life.

Gustavo is my older friend, I met between the first year of primary school and second year, when I studied on the primary school searched insects with him, he never eat insects but we searched to enjoy.

I remembered when my main job was studied the previous day of the exam  and played football with my friends, however Gustavo couldn´t play with us for this reasion he sat out of the land game and he was my main supporter.

I sometimes meet with my friends on my house, but during the runny days Gustavo said to me "I prefer not wet me", strange because...he is a frog!, on the fact, do so I stay on my house when the rain is fall.